"When dawn spreads its paintbrush on the plain, spilling purple... ," Songs of the Pioneers song from TV show "Wagon Train." Dawn on the mythic Santa Fe Trail, New Mexico, looking toward Raton from Cimarron. -- Clarkphoto. A curmudgeon's old-fashioned newspaper column, cross-breeding metaphors and journalism and art, for readers in 150 countries.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

10 Commandments of Coffee

My son Travis Austin is also an authority on coffee. He's very smart--naturally--inherited. However, his 10th commandment is not from a recognized translation of the Coffee bible, because, yeah verily, the coffee guru (Me)--who did help begat him-- doth ordain chicory is acceptable in worship...and this does come from our genes (not beans), because both his grandmother and grandfather loved chicory coffee. See, so even a prophet can be without profit! He is correct however with commandment 5 is almost always true. If it smells like something other than coffee, then forsooth, it is not.
The 11th Commandment: Any coffee carrying the idolatrous sign of the idol Starbucks smells like burnt socks, and you deserve it if you so sin and fall from grace.

Here are his recently revelated 10 commandments of coffee:

Travis' Ten Commandments of Coffee
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Sun at 7:26pm
1) Thou shalt not put bovine lactation or any variation thereof within your coffee.
2) Thou shalt not put honey from the bees, or the remains of destroyed sugar cane or any variation thereof within the beverage.
3) Decaf will never be spoken of, and is quickly forbidden.
4) The high and mighty drink must be brewed, either through an electrical device or a percolator. The type called Instant is not recognized, nor is freeze dried.
5) Gratings of the Cinnamon Tree, essences of fruit, or juice of the soy bean is equivalent to blasphemy
6) Coffee should be partaken of hot. Lukewarm, cold, and frozen are not acceptable.
7) Distilled fermented grain mash is an acceptable additive, as is any distilled alcoholic beverage.
8) The bean of cocao, while heavenly, should never be mixed within the sacred drink
9) When available, the seeds of the coffee plant should be ground by thyself. If not, pre-ground is permissible, but not as holy.
10) Chicory, though historical, is disgusting and will not be in my presence.

1 comment:

  1. 11th Commandment? The holiest of holies. (For as it has been known it shall remain, "the Evil Empire," and still to this day, verily I say, I do not let utter from my tongue its accursed name.)

    Commandment 6? When the choice is before you, therefore, it is better for thou to choose the lukewarm coffee rather than nothing when thou ist in need of its holy nectar.

    Commandment 10 seems to be based on doctrinal haziness. Perhaps the First Chicory Church of Oklahoma?

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