Prophecy of Oklahoma's end time

"Yea, verily, in the fullness of time these were the signs of the end of time where the earth and rulers were red.
"Forsooth, the great bear began eating quiche while war and luna gobbled the night before the ransoms were due.
"A vagabond's abandoned pouch shall raise alarms and loud sirens disrupting learning.
"The earth will surely tremble with the twisting sky as hope of spring turns to ice and despondent winter on every breath of a bitter north wind.
"Henceforth, let those who have eyes and ears heed the signs prophesied by the seer of sooths, Heebie Jeebies, and abide by the insight of my servant Okuspokus."
      --First Heebie Jeebies, 5:1-5, (Okuspokus translation)

Yea verily and forsooth, I, Okuspokus, servant and scholar of the Great Sayer of Sooths, Heebie Jeebies, being in the spirit of the sooth, hereby reveal the sooth truth of the end of time for the place called Oklahoma (red dirt and rulers):
"The great bear eating quiche is Russia devouring Crimea and Ukraine, a clear sign of the coming wrath.
War is Mars being the closest to earth  and luna is tonight's lunar eclipse, all happening before April 15, income tax deadline (ransoms).
A mysterious suitcase causes evacuation of a university building, swarms of police cars and flashing lights and vacant parking lots, amid fears of bombs.
Oklahoma's earth quakes every day, and yesterday's warm spring weather with threats of tornados brought hail and turned to snow.
Unbelievers will surely scoff, but Okuspokus knows all these events could not possibly be coincidence in any sane place. 
Forsooth, there are only two interpretations of Heebie Jeebies' prophecy.  Yea verily, the sayer of sooths poses a choice--It is the end of time for Oklahoma, or Oklahoma is not sane.
I, Okuspokus have written.