"When dawn spreads its paintbrush on the plain, spilling purple... ," Songs of the Pioneers song from TV show "Wagon Train." Dawn on the mythic Santa Fe Trail, New Mexico, looking toward Raton from Cimarron. -- Clarkphoto. A curmudgeon's old-fashioned newspaper column, cross-breeding metaphors and journalism and art, for readers in 150 countries.

Monday, October 26, 2015

Making Oklahoma great again (3)--Too many colleges


Oklahoma has too many public universities and colleges. 
We are insuring mediocrity, wasting millions of dollars, and preventing Oklahoma from becoming great again.
By eliminating K-12 public education for all, and revamping that curriculum, only select students in math, science and football will be attending college. 
Just as not everyone needs public school, certainly there are too many college students.
Close all but two universities
That means closing all but two of the universities in the state.
All the other wasteful universities will be recycled into prisons, providing jobs as prison guards and staff for all the recycled professors and education administrators eliminated by the closing. They already have related experience in dealing with students and tenured faculty anyway.
All that will be required is installing high-voltage fences around the closed campuses, which already have dorms, food facilities and exercise areas. The libraries, once all negative and liberal books are removed, will be central in helping make our prisons part of making Oklahoma Great Again.

To make Oklahoma Great Again, the two remaining universities will be smaller and more concentrated on teaching only math and science and producing national championship football teams. 
As with the "public" school curriculum, all humanities, arts, foreign languages, political science,  and other wasteful degree programs will be eliminated. Those faculty  and administrators whose jobs are eliminated may apply to be traffic police, undertakers or other essential jobs building the Great Wall of Oklahoma Greatness around the entire state.
Great Oklahoma Language and Digital Police
Among those will be campus language police, making sure that all students and faculty adhere to the positive vocabulary of Making Oklahoma Great Again, as nobly advocated by a current presidential candidate.  This will not require much training because some universities already have syllabus police (hiring people just to make sure all syllabi meet all guidelines), seat-time police (hiring people to make sure students are in their seats long enough to get a course credit), foreign study tour police (hiring people to make sure all guidelines are followed, like making sure the brochures are tri-fold), and more.
All students admitted to our two universities will take a loyalty oath to always contribute to Oklahoma's Greatness. One police force will be essential, recycled and upgraded from a current university's Digital Measures police--a program where all faculty have to submit all their activity to a database. 
The Great Oklahoma Digital Police will monitor the digital locator microchips embedded in every student's wrist to make sure that once they receive their educations they will remain in Oklahoma, contributing to our greatness.  The chips will be equipped with a terminator  device to electrically warn straying graduates to return to Great Oklahoma within 24 hours (sort of like a tweet, but with a mild electric shock). Those who fail to return will  then receive a 500 volt termination.
Faculty who do not wish to be recycled will be deported because they obviously hinder Oklahoma Greatness by their negativity.
Actually, there will no longer be any foreign study tours because those do not contribute the Making Oklahoma Great Again---foreign thoughts prevent that.
American is the only language allowed on campus
American will be the only language allowed on campus.
Obvious  exemptions will be those CEOS and other Oklahoma contributors of Oklahoma Greatness who can afford to send their children to private universities in and out of the state. Private universities in the state must be licensed to teach Oklahoma greatness, but those students may leave the state afterward, on the condition they can never return. Students attending out-of-state private schools may not return, but their parents must reimburse Oklahoma for all the state resources invested in educating them before them. This will help Make Oklahoma Great Again by preventing inferior foreign thoughts from interfering with Oklahoma Greatness.
This will not be much of a problem because there will be few students who would ever want to abandon the opportunities of Oklahoma Greatness.
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Next, Making Oklahoma Great again requires that all people attend a Christian church every Sunday, and the resulting moral revival will eliminate gangs, obesity, teen pregnancy, "mental" health problems and more. 

Satire, with appreciation to Dr. Ben Carson, Donald Trump, Mary Fallin, UCO, and Aldous Huxley

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