Scriptures according to narrow-minded liberals

In order to be "fair and balanced," I found these alternative translations of the Tea Party scriptures quoted earlier, intended for narrow-minded "liberals." It's ironic to me that people who are supposed to be open to all views can often not tolerate those opposed to them. (Lesson--fanatics of any extreme are close-minded).

This is particularly bothersome in a country that is supposed to be founded on the sanctity of the "free marketplace of ideas," which Milton envisioned  in "Aeropagitiga" in 1644, adopted by John Locke,     http://www.stlawrenceinstitute.org/vol14mit.html 

and Thomas Jefferson and John Stuart Mill in "On Liberty." Let everybody have their say, tolerate it, argue it, and since we are rational beings, we'll always choose the best answers and opinions. Thus the First Amendment, from our Founders, steeped in the philosophy of The Age of Reason.

Of course we no longer completely believe that in our society. Proof? We're not always rational--go to a grocery store when you're hungry and watch what you buy that's not rational. Darwin and Einstein have had a huge impact on our thought processes as society has evolved into the dawning of the ages of relativity (double pun). So also has increased urbanization, and multiple other factors.

Our current polarized political situation sadly but definitively reveals how lacking in reason we humans are. A great Republican senator from Maine is stepping down because she can no longer function. Conservatives will rue the day that they allowed extremists to force people like this out of office. In fact, we all will.

But, in the spirit of what America is supposed to be about, and about being able to poke fun at all sides in the tradition of Will Rogers, here are some liberal-approved translations of Scriptures. Notice that two of them didn't change! (That's one of my two allowed annual exclamation points)

• "In the beginning, something, we're not sure what, but don't say "God," did something, from nothing."
• "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will cease to exist." 
• "To everything there is a season, but it's all relative."
• "My iPhone has a lamp unto my feet."
• "Suffer the little children to liberate themselves from their conservative parents."
• "I am not ashamed of being an open-minded liberal, what I stand for, but if you stand for something religious, I might make fun of you."
• "God  is love, and we get to say who he loves and who he hates."
• "Blessed are the people who can't stomach Fox and Rush."
• "Vengeance is mine if I control the majority in Congress."
• "Woe unto you Republicans, for you deserve your current presidential candidates."
• "Render unto Caesar always for my pet causes, but not for the military which defends them."
• "Turn the other cheek only if you can get tax money to do it."
• "Go into all the world and make them believe like us, and invade them if they don't or have oil."
• "The poor you shall have with you always, and we'll fight for them so they can keep doing our lawns." 
• "I am the only way, truth and light."
• "Let a woman named Palin or Bachman please keep silent."