"When dawn spreads its paintbrush on the plain, spilling purple... ," Songs of the Pioneers song from TV show "Wagon Train." Dawn on the mythic Santa Fe Trail, New Mexico, looking toward Raton from Cimarron. -- Clarkphoto. A curmudgeon's old-fashioned newspaper column, cross-breeding metaphors and journalism and art, for readers in 150 countries.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Conversation with God, on arriving in Heaven

God: "Ok, you've got your welcome packet, met the lawn crew, read the rules, signed consent and release of liability forms, signed up for health care insurance like Congressmen get, been assigned a mansion just over the hilltop with silver fixtures and a street of gold,  got a pass key to the stables of The Four Horsemen, know where the cafeteria is, gone through training to use the Help-Desk, got security clearance from IT, and have been issued an always-clean-no-wrinkle white robe. Any questions?"

Clark: "Well, it's been a long trip and I'm a little thirsty."

God: "We've got fountains free everywhere, including one from under my throne...."

Clark: "I mean I was sort of wondering where I might get, you know, a real drink?"

God: "You mean a bar?"

Clark:  "Yes, except not one of those Oklahoma ones with 3.2 beer." 

God: "Me Dammit! You mean they still enforce that?"

Clark: "Unfortunately. The Religious Right and the Republicans won't bend."

God: "Of course not. They work for the wrong Guy."

Clark: "Uh, God, about that...."

God:  "Oh yeah, a drink. Well we had to open one for all those Irish Catholics. They thought it was part of the Contract, and wouldn't sign without it. Where'd they get that red hair and temper? Never mind...just remembered."

Clark: "Uh, you haven't heard of my best friend Bob Illidge have you?"

God: "Illidge? Illidge! If I ever hear of the 'vagaries and vicissitudes' again, I think I'll die...oh, that's not possible, but you know what I mean."

Clark: "Do you know where I can find him?"

God:  "He's probably down at the bar playing cribbage waiting for you to show up."

Clark: "Where is that bar? What's its name?"

God: "I named it myself. 'Heavenly Hootch.' Got a nice ring to it, don't you think?"

Clark: "Just don't try writing any headlines, please. Now where?"

God:  "Right down the street, next to where the choir is practicing. Actually, I prefer the choir stop in there first. It helps them get 'in the spirit,' if you know what I mean"

Clark: "Great. Uh, God, when does Happy Hour start?"

God: "To quote Illidge, 'It must be 5 o'clock somewhere.' Clark, didn't you read the rules? There's no time up here. so there can't be a Happy Hour. All hours are happy."

Clark: "Well I'll be damned. Hell of a place you got here."

God:  "Don't push it.  Texans, journalists and professors who think they're God, aren't,  and don't get special treatment up here. Not even tenure. You were lucky to get in. I had doubts but a couple of cute red-headed angels convinced me. Satan likes you guys almost as much as Republicans, Okies and OU fans."

1 comment:

  1. HAHAAHA - you were right Terry - I needed a good laugh!!! And that was a good one!

    ReplyDelete